信实

在马尔代夫庆祝我们的结婚纪念日

十五年前，上帝把他赐给我为丈夫。当我一年前抗癌时，他履行对神许下的承诺，在我人生最丑陋的时刻爱我到底。

神说，因为他专心爱我，我要搭救他。
因为他知道我的名，我要把他安置在高处。
他若求告我，我就应允他。
他在急难中，我要与他同在。
我要搭救他，使他尊贵。
我要使他足享长寿，将我的救恩显明给他。
～诗篇91:14-16

我不配拥有神的恩典与怜悯。就算祂选择提前带我离开这世界，祂也是一位很好的上帝。我是泥土，祂是陶匠。我算什么？我无权质问祂的判断。可祂却赐给我更多时间。神不仅恢复我的健康，更加强我的信仰与婚姻。

主，感谢祢让我们在患难时能够爱祢求告祢。祢与我们同在，并搭救了我们。祢使我们足享人生，向我们显明祢的救恩。

Honor

Celebrating our anniversary in Maldives

This is the man God gave me 15 years ago to be my husband.  When I began my fight against cancer a year ago, he honored his commitment to God and loved me through the ugliest time of my life.  

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”                                                                 ~Psalm 91:14-16

I am undeserving of His grace and mercy, and He would have been a good God even if He chose to take me home early.  I am the clay and He is the potter.  Who am I to question His judgement?  But He has given me more time for now.  He not only restored my health, He deepened my faith and my marriage.

Thank you, Lord, for enabling us to love you and call on you in times of trouble.  You were with us and have delivered us.  You have satisfied us and shown us your salvation.

难忘的圣诞节

亲爱的家人与朋友，祝福您圣诞平安！尤其在这个充满暴力与病痛的世代，我们需要庆祝基督诞生所带来的平安与喜乐。神爱世人，甚至将他的独生子赐给他们，叫一切信他的不至灭亡，反得永生。（约翰福音3：16）

今个圣诞节，我们有更多值得感恩的事。虽则不明白神为何让Michelle患癌，我们却感受到神在圣经里所应许的信实。上帝给了我们一家生活的盼望与力量。我们感谢其他家人的关怀与支持，还有朋友的鼓励与实际帮助。上帝甚至差了几位陌生人写信提醒Michelle神还在顾念她。神透过一个非凡的医疗小组带来医治，并保护Michelle不受到手术与化疗所带来的副作用。经过七个月的强化治疗，Michelle将于十二月廿七日接受最后的化疗。

更重要的是，我们感谢神赐给我们耶稣。祂为我们的过犯受害、为我们的罪孽压伤。因祂受的刑罚我们得平安。因祂受的鞭伤我们得医治。（以赛亚书53：5）

这是一个难忘的路程，因为我们从中获得了许多。我们一家将铭记这个圣诞节。

    祝

平安

Daryl (与Michelle, Ruthanne, Ariel, Nathaniel and Ethan）

A Christmas to Remember

Peace to you this Christmas, dear family and friends!  Especially during times like these that are fraught with violence and diseases, we need the peace and joy that come from celebrating the birth of Jesus.  For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).

This Christmas, we have even more to be thankful for.  While we do not know why God allowed cancer to enter Michelle's life, we have experienced the truth and reality of His promises as recorded in scripture.  He has given our family hope and strength to live life.  We are thankful for our extended family's care and support, as well as encouragement and practical help from friends.  God even used a few strangers to write to Michelle to remind her that she is not forgotten.  He provided healing through an outstanding medical team, and protected Michelle from many side effects that could have resulted from the surgery and chemotherapy.  After 7 months of intensive treatment, she will be having her last infusion on December 27.

Most of all, we thank God for Jesus, who was pierced for our transgressions and was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53:5).

This has been a journey that we will not forget, because of the good that has come out of the circumstances.  This is a Christmas that our family will remember.

Wishing you Peace,

Daryl, with Michelle, Ruthanne, Ariel, Nathaniel and Ethan

严厉的爱

周二本应是我有好状态的日子，所以Daryl以即日来回的方式前往俄勒冈州作商务会议。这天, 当他回到家的时候, 发现他的妻子蜷缩在床上，没有食欲，没有运动的意欲，也没有把晚餐准备好。我其实已经把肉取出解冻了，但到了要煮饭的时间，我却无法正眼看它一下。当我缩回床上为自己感到难过时，Ruthanne做了奶酪脆片给孩子们。我的食物恐惧症开始发作了，这多少影响到我的食欲和做饭的能力。

随着我展开我的癌症旅程，Daryl扮演了很多不同的角色。在这一天，他是我推动力的来源。他虽然又累又饿，却成功地在晚上8点哄我下床，跟他一起走路去Pei Wei（一家位於1.5公哩以外的亚洲餐厅）作一次晚餐约会。当我们於十点半回到家时，我已经吃过晚饭丶走了3公哩的路丶还把心里所有的话都倾诉出来了。因着丈夫严厉式的爱，我得以成为一个全新的女人。

在我非常疲劳的日子里，我的思绪会很不讲理。我的床常常神秘地由三个较年长的孩子的其中之一（对，甚至是Nathaniel）整理好，所以我就好久没有自己整理床铺了。但我大既猜得到是谁在帮忙，因为在床上有一张爱心字条。他们设想周到地爱我，我当然感到很高兴，但在我异常疲劳的日子里，我却会哀叹自己阻碍了孩子的生活，因为他们要花时间为我整理床铺，我甚至会想，或许没有我在会更好。这就是为甚麽我说我的思绪会很不讲道理。我的家人常常透过他们的话和行动来提醒我，在这旅程当中，我们是一起去面对的。

这些沮丧的时刻同时亦激起我的盼望，指望一天终能脱离败坏的辖制 （罗马书8:21）。我们透过相信十架的作工而预示得到寛恕与治愈，但完整的救赎要等到基督的再度降临才得以发生。在那一天，神要与人同住，要擦去他们一切的眼泪，不再有死亡或悲哀或哭号或疼痛（或食物恐惧症），因为以前的事都过去了（启示录21:3,4）。

在这段时间里，圣灵在我软弱时给我帮助。当我甚至不知道该为甚麽祷告时，圣灵亲自用说不出来的叹息替我祷告（罗马书8:26）。我为拥有这样为我「叹息」的家庭朋友感到很受祝福。

当然，在我软弱时，严厉的爱也有帮助。 :)

Tough love

Tuesdays are supposed to be my good days so on this particular Tuesday, Daryl took a day trip to Oregon for business meetings.  When he came home, he found his wife curled up in bed with no appetite, no desire to exercise and no dinner in sight.  I had taken out meat to thaw but when it was time to cook, I could not bear to look at it.  Ruthanne made cheese crisps for the kids while I crawled into bed to feel sorry for myself.  That was the beginning of my food phobia, which has somewhat affected my appetite and ability to cook.

Daryl has put on many different hats since I began my cancer journey.  On this particular day, he was my motivational coach.  He was tired and hungry, but managed to coax me out of bed at 8 pm to go on a dinner date with him at Pei Wei (an Asian restaurant 1.5 miles away).  On foot.  By the time we got home at 10.30 pm, I had eaten dinner, walked 3 miles and talked my heart out.  I was a new woman because of my husband's tough love.

On my days of fatigue, my thoughts do not make any sense.  It's been a while since I've had to make my own bed because it mysteriously gets made by one of the 3 older kids (yes, even Nathaniel).  But I get clues as to who made my bed because of the love notes left on my bed-spread "hotel-style".  I am of course thrilled by their thoughtful love.  On my days of fatigue, however, I bemoan holding back my kids' lives with making my bed and wondered if it would be better for me to be out of the picture.  I told you the thoughts didn't make sense.  My family frequently reminds me that we are in this together, with their words and actions.

These moments of frustrations stir in me a hope for the day when creation will be finally liberated from its bondage to decay (Romans 8:21).  We have a foretaste of the forgiveness and healing that comes from believing in the work of the cross, but the full redemption of creation will happen only when Christ returns again.  On that day, God will dwell with men.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain (or food phobia), for the old order of things has passed away (Revelations 21:3,4).

In the meantime, the Spirit helps me in my weakness.  When I do not even know what to pray for, the Spirit himself intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express (Romans 8:26).  I am also blessed to have friends who "groan" on my behalf.

And of course, in my weakness, tough love helps too. :)

在软弱时的力量

在Daryl帮我剃掉头发的前一天晚上，我梦见自己回到中学。在那些日子里，我和一个好友会一起去剪「越短越好」的发型。这个梦为我带回了一些对拥有短发的美好回忆。现在二十年过去了，我坐在木椅子上，我的丈夫为我剃掉头发，以处理几天前开始出现的脱发现象。这是我们的婚姻里一个「同甘共苦」的时刻。（其实Daryl曾提出过他也要把头发剃掉，以示共同进退，但我提醒他，我有假发他没有）。

刚过去的这个星期，我们还很不捨地跟我妈妈告别，她在这里的10个星期里为我们做了那麽多。Daryl是一个细心的男人，在我们的好友Luebkes一家的慷慨帮助下，他计划了一个到山上去的渡假，因此在妈妈离开之后，我们不用待在家里无所事事, 闷闷不乐。我们会很想念这段有妈妈在身边的时间，会想念她在打理家务时的酒店管理式技巧、她精心烹调的晚餐、她提供的中文补习、还有在玩大富翁纸牌遊戏和打麻雀时的竞争力。

展望接下来的日子，我很感恩Daryl能以家庭办公室的形式为Intel工作，只须每星期去Oregon一天。我们的孩子不单在课业上又勤奋又热心，在家里更都是好帮手。在这段进行治疗的期间，上帝继续以他们和很多其他的人给我支持和鼓励。

到目前为止，Taxol带给我唯一的副作用（除脱髮以外）就是在每週里有几天感觉很疲劳。而在别的副作用里，我正在防备神经病变（手指和脚趾发麻）、口腔溃疡和噁心。刚开始，在感疲劳的日子里真的很辛苦，因为我只能躺在沙发上看着我的家人做事或玩乐。看着他们没有我一样的生活，让我感到郁闷。但当我意识到这是疲劳所带来的情绪影响后，我就更着力去休息，以经文引领着思绪，并且不作任何重要的思考（即忧虑）。

有一天，当我正要走上自伤自怜的路上，Ruthanne来跟我谈论我们的新生活。她想知道的是，我是不是在假装正常，因为我们的新生活似乎很正常，而她一直以为乳癌应该是很可怕的。这种崭新的角度为我带来了喜悦，使我能够告诉她，我不是在假装正常，而是确实有很多值得我们感恩的事情。

然后有一次，当我已经休息够了，却无法使自己起床。上帝就派了Ethan这个不接受「不」作为答案的小孩来，他带着一叠书钻进被窝里，要求我和他一起读。我请他关上门、晚一点再来，却发现他在起来关门後立刻回到我的床上，并且为着我们能有更私密的相处时间感到高兴。

Ariel常透过艺术表达自己，在我最意想不到、却又最需要的时刻，她给了我书籤、卡片、项錬、手镯等东西，提醒了我，我没有被遗忘。Nathaniel则以他大男孩的亲吻和拥抱来祝福我，提醒我他不为我能为他做些甚麽，而是无条件的爱着我。

彼得前书5:10

那赐诸般恩典的神曾在基督里召你们，得享他永远的荣耀，等你们暂受苦难之後，必要亲自成全你们，坚固你们，赐力量给你们。

所以当Ruthanne告诉我，她希望长大後会像我（就在我生命中最软弱的时候），我知道上帝已经在我身上作工，使我在她眼中是刚强、坚定不移的。她也明白哥林多前书12:10。我为基督的缘故，就以软弱、凌辱、急难、逼迫、困苦为可喜乐的；因我甚麽时候软弱，甚麽时候就刚强了。